People like to come out here and treat the place like it’s a free-for-all racetrack.

My office is near the edge, where they feel safe from the cops, and there is a wide expanse of open concrete, so a lot of them (mostly rice boys that I could easily run down in my truck, and then fit their teeny little cars into the bed of my truck) zip around right outside my windows, spinning brodies and drag racing up and down the one straight road.

I, of course, lost my sense of humor years ago, and it pisses me off to no end when they do this. Hey, I work here, often out on the ground, and we have dogs running around who we would prefer didn’t get splattered all over the place.

So in my humorless fashion, I’ve turned a number of them in over the years. Sometimes I’ll follow them and get a plate number, especially if they’re messing around up by my landfill, where they have no right to be. Sometimes I just call the cops and ask that they patrol a little more closely. Once, when it was an actual deputy driving like a moron, I stopped and chewed him out personally.

But usually, I just stand outside my office and give them the evil eye. I don’t know if they see it or not, but they sure must feel it, because most of them leave right away.

Maybe I’m a troll, and have horrified their coiffed little souls. I may be more frightening-looking than I think, but average people don’t seem to run screaming from me.

No, I think I’ve just perfected the art of the Long Distance Stink-Eye. It comes in handy when you’re a mom too. Kids being quiet all of a sudden? Go to the back door, and throw the Stink-Eye in random directions. Pretty soon, one sheepish kid will sidle up and confess that the other kid is stuck in the dump truck and can’t get out, or they’ll spontaneously decide that maybe they shouldn’t be trying to fly.

So, the Stink-Eye. Works on kids under ten and weasely little sports car drivers. Who knows, maybe I could take over the world with this gift, but I suspect teenagers are immune, so I’ll be out of luck in three years. It’s worth a shot though.