There are times when I just want to call an end to all of this.

Times when I just want to throw my hands up and say, “To hell with him, this is just too hard.”

Times when I would take the pain of having to be the one to call it off over the pain of not knowing.

Times when I’ve hurt too much, and just want it to be over, no matter what the cost.

But if I sit quietly and think about it, I don’t like what that would make me. I gave him my word that I would give him space and time to figure things out. He may not have meant it when he said that he didn’t want to end it, but I sure as hell meant it when I said I would wait. And even if it sometimes looks easier to just walk away (and would make me look less nuts to my friends) I will not break my word.

I didn’t promise to wait indefinitely and I didn’t give him the timeline, but I did promise to wait, and wait I will. Even if keeping my word is the only thing I have to hang on to some days, it’s better for me than breaking it.

Because what would breaking it prove? What kind of person would that make me?

Going over there and forcing a decision out of him would only force the one I don’t want. And it would prove to both of us that I’m not capable of standing by in the hard times. How could I expect myself to be able to uphold the “for better or worse” vow if I can’t even do this much?

Sure, I broke that vow once, but only after extenuating circumstances. It’s not intended to be a shackle keeping you in a prison, and breaking that one, while disappointing to myself, was absolutely necessary. But I won’t make that promise again if I don’t feel that I can keep it fully – actually, neither will he, which is what brought on this whole mess.

If I can’t handle one mental crisis, how would I handle another one, when there’s no question of leaving? How would I handle any other disaster? I know that I’m much more capable of dealing with the physical things, even if they’re hard, but this is a real test. I guess I’m testing myself, probably more than he’s testing me. I can only hope that he’s giving it as much thought as I am, but I’m afraid that he’s not.

But I’m starting to suspect that I will be strong enough to walk away when the walking needs to be done. I’ll have no choice anyway.