…there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere

Undefeated

April 28th, 2005 by cowgirljules

I’ve got to do a little kid-bragging here.

Seamus is really enjoying baseball. His team is the only undefeated team in the league, with seven wins. Last night they creamed the other team 11 - 0 in five innings. I guess if it goes ten and 0, they stop the game (saves on the humiliations.) and I also didn’t know that if one team gets five runs in an inning, that ends the inning no matter how many outs there are. Seamus got a real good hit and made it all the way to third base, which pleased him to no end.

The other team wasn’t shabby either. Their kids were swinging like they were going to hit it out of the park. Our team has more of the younger kids and more timid ones than this team did, but what we have are kids who go for it. There’s no stopping at first; they keep on running as far as they can, and as often as not, get to second or third before play is stopped.

And they play pretty well too, without everyone running for the ball at once and leaving the bases uncovered. Our first basemen stay on first base, and they picked a lot of kids off that way.

I didn’t realize that at the coach-pitch level, there are two years worth of kids. So we have older ones who get it a little more and are bigger, and the younger ones coming off of T-ball. The younger ones are starting to figure it out though, and it’s a rip cheering for them.

Besides the actual baseball, it’s hilarious watching the dance one little guy does every time he gets to first base, and the reaction of the outfielders when a gopher pops up. They’re still little kids having fun.

I didn’t know I’d like it as much as I do, and I’m starting to get friendly with some of the other parents. I’ve been sick or working on some nights when I don’t have custody, so I wasn’t at all of the practices and don’t know the other parents that well. I have a tendency to keep to myself anyway, but there are some really nice people there and I’m starting to relax and talk more. It still feels a little foreign to smile though. It’s good to have something fun to do.

 

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Spring showers

April 25th, 2005 by cowgirljules

I’ve been doing a lot of backflow tests recently, but three came up that belong to my day job. Of course, I did them because I need the practice anyway, but I couldn’t charge for them due to conflict of interest things. I wouldn’t want to make a few bucks just to lose my job.

Two were straightforward, even if one was very large, but when I was doing the third this afternoon, I ran into some problems. I mean besides the red ant nest living in the pipe insulation.

I started to check the test ports, and found that some bonehead had put a plug in one that I needed, but there was still a valve in one that I was less likely to need. I also had to take the unit completely apart to clean out the crud clogging it up, so I popped the union and flipped it over.

Trouble was, the valve I needed was on the upstream side of the first shutoff valve, with no others in sight. Now, I am by no means a plumber, so in my vast ignorance, I thought if I moved real fast, I could get the plug installed in the whole while the water was shooting out.

Yeah, not so much.

I should know better. I mean, I am one of the operators, and I know damn well that the pressure in the lines is about 50 psi, and velocity increases when the pipe diameter decreases. And this was only a quarter-inch hole.

Oops.

I let the water gush after soaking myself trying to stuff this tiny little plug into the geyser. I called the water guy to get him to shut of the main for me, but then I had a brain flash. What if I opened the bigger valve and let the water waste out that way to lower the pressure?

Fortunately, that worked, and I got my plug installed and called off the water guys before they came out to point fingers and laugh. I think I filled up one of my boots before I got it fixed, but at least it’s a nice day.

And I had the most fun I’ve had in months, working with my hands and getting soaking wet.

•••••

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Baseball season

April 22nd, 2005 by cowgirljules

I haven’t been writing much because even I got tired of the “waah, poor me” theme that was running through my thoughts. Sometimes you just don’t want to think about it, y’know?

So I’m chugging along, learning to live again. There’s a big hole in my life, but I think I’m starting to patch myself up around it. I don’t think the hole will ever completely fill in, but maybe I can put some of the pieces around it back together.

I have an appointment with a counselor next week, but I’m starting to wonder if I need it. I do need to either get off the antidepressants or get an actual prescription so I don’t have to quit cold turkey, which I understand is bad news, but I just don’t feel like diving back into all of those emotions right now. I’d rather just let it die its death. But I’ll go anyway and see if it helps.

•••••

 

Life’s been going on. It’s easier when I have the kids to distract me. Seamus is playing coach-pitch baseball this year, and he really likes it. I’m going to try to start going to his games even if I don’t have custody, but the combination of the ulcer and the other meds has left me feeling so physically crappy that I haven’t made it yet.

The games I’ve gone to have been really fun though. His team is really good, and for the first time, he’s not the worst player. Not the best either, no, but he has a lot of fun. On Saturday, he had a hit and his team made a really awesome double play. Our coaches are pretty good, and not into yelling at the kids like they’re pro players—some of the other coaches in the league get carried away. I knew we had a good team when I saw one of the coaches come up and ask his wife if he was getting too loud.

Little League is funny like that. They seem to be making a conscious effort to stay away from the stereotype, but it comes out sometimes anyway. There’s an enormously fat father of one of the kids who’s just nasty to his son. I’ve never heard him say anything supportive to the kid, and the poor guy doesn’t have half the fun that most of the kids on the team do. In fact, I heard his father threaten to give another son a whipping because he lost track of his two-year old brother. Uh, dude? You’re the adult here, why aren’t you getting off your ass and watching your toddler? You expect a six-year old to do it? Ugh.

Fortunately, that guy seems to be the only real asshole among the parents. All of the rest of them seem pretty nice, and I wasn’t the only one cheering when a kid on the other team made a great catch of a fly ball at Wednesday’s game.

 

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Family visit

April 17th, 2005 by cowgirljules

On Friday I sucked it up and went over to see Lonnie and Judy.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Did I think they would tell me they thought he was wrong and to give it time, he’d come back? I guess that is what I’d secretly hoped.

But I just went in and chatted it up with Judy and Peggy for a little while, nothing earth shattering. It was nice to see them, but it just drives the dagger home about how much I’m missing.

While I was there, Lonnie came home from cowboying, and I went out to say hello to him. And that’s when I fell apart (I knew I would sooner or later.)

He gave me a great big hug and said, “I know it’s hard.”

And that was all I could take. I left soon after. It was really hard to see them getting ready for the branding that I was a part of last year, and to hear about the major roping event going on this weekend that I should be working at. All of our friends are going to wonder where I am, and I don’t even know if it bothers Cowboy that I’m missing or not. I certainly hope so, and he admits that he misses me, but he obviously feels that he’s happier without me than with me.

He’s devastated me mentally and physically and it will be years, if ever, before I can even think of going through this again. You know, unless he comes back.

•••••

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Lost pieces of heart

April 9th, 2005 by cowgirljules

I went out to Cowboy’s yesterday. I just wanted to see him one last time, and I wanted my saddle back. He was feeling crummy and laying on the couch, and I sat with him and we talked about nothings for a little while. It was good to feel normal for fifteen minutes.

But then I tried to talk about what was really important to me, and he flat-out refused. He said that we’d already said all there was to say, and never mind if I still didn’t understand why. He said he was trying to keep it “pleasant” and was obviously annoyed with me for bringing it up again.

Pleasant? What’s pleasant about ripping my heart out?

So I told him I wanted my saddle, and made him get up and go get it. I gave him back some clothes that he’d left at my house, and his house key. He wouldn’t ever look me in the eye, not even when I said goodbye.

I followed him to the barn and we got my stuff out of the tack room. Chris and Corey and Dennis were all there, but they were all clearly pretending that I didn’t exist. Yeah, it had to have been awkward seeing me in tears and knowing what was going on, but damn, it hurt to be treated like I was invisible.

I got my stuff and Cowboy gave me one last hug and took off, and I sobbed all the way home, and for hours afterwards.

It’s like a switch went off in his head. *flick* and he’s an emotionless drone. I will never know what switched it, but no more than three months ago, he was a loving boyfriend planning a future together. Today, he’s a cold heartless man with eyes like ice.

I have to assume that something’s very wrong with him, because people don’t just turn off completely for no reason, and he never had a reason. He’s defective, and there’s nothing I will ever be able to do about it. I think his last loving act towards me must have been to set me free, and at some level, I have to thank him for that. Being trapped in a relationship with someone like that would be absolutely soul-sucking. As it is, he’s shattered my heart.

I don’t know if that man will ever be able to love anyone, and that crumbles the little pieces of heart I had left. I think he gave it everything he had, and just didn’t have it in him.

I don’t think I do anymore either.

 

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Short-term band aid

April 4th, 2005 by cowgirljules

Grouse is wise, and so is Tami.

And so is my Doc, who took one look at me today and said, “Before you can face any of that, you’ve got to heal the wounds.” And then he wrote me a nice prescription for an antidepressant and a referral for a counselor. And threatened to stick a tube down my stomach if those two things didn’t help that part.

I’m very ambivalent about antidepressants, but at this point I have to do something. Things obviously aren’t right, and just because I toughed it out and pulled myself up by the bootstraps last time doesn’t mean that I’m strong enough to do it again. Or that I really want to waste another five years of my life. I’m too old for that shit.

But I’m not thrilled about being cut off from my rebound guys, Mr. Light and Mr. Royal. Now what am I going to drink, milk? Yuck.

•••••

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