I try to be the best mom I can be, but there are times I think I’m failing, at least with one kid.

I had every intention of making this trip a day of fun for all of us. I went into it planning to not be strict and not yell and not let John push my buttons, and by about two-thirds of the way into the day, all of that went to hell.

I swear, I do not know what I’m doing wrong with this kid. He seems to intentionally push my buttons, and even if I constantly remind myself that he’s ten and I’m thirty-five, eventually he gets to me.

This time it was the begging and the whining and the never taking no for an answer. You’d think he’d know by now that when I say no, I mean it. I never back down from that. And there was no reason for begging; I gave them both everything they needed to have fun. We went on all the rides we wanted to go on, we ate all the food we wanted, and they got to buy souvenirs and candy. And still, every time I turned around, John was pounding me with, “Can I have this? Can I have this? Can I have this?” And it was the same thing over and over again, and there was no reason for it. I told him no, I took him aside and explained to him that the answer would be no, I threatened him, I swatted him, and when he did it later at home some more, I spanked him. It just doesn’t sink in with that kid. He does not stop.

And he’s worse around other people. When it’s just us, he’s OK, and I can talk to him like he’s a reasonable human being. But when we’re on a train with people trying to sleep and he’s bouncing off the walls and won’t just shut up, I lose my cool.

And I recognize that a lot of his little manipulations are echoes of the things his father did to me (and his grandmother too) that made me hate them. I don’t want to hate my son and I feel an obligation to raise him to be a person that won’t inspire that kind of emotion, but he seems to be going down that path no matter what I do.

His father manipulated the hell out of me, and I still resent the hell out of him for that. His mother was even worse; I can’t believe that anyone can stand to be around her, but that just must not bother some people. I hate to see my son going down that road.

And I feel guilty too. This is the kid that’s had a mother dealing with major depression for much of his life. His first four years were in near-isolation with a mom that could hardly function. I think that if I’d had a job and been happier, he would have been more socially adapted. He would have been in daycare and would have learned to deal with other people sooner. I think I handicapped him by trying to do what I thought was best for him at the time. I didn’t know that I’m just not a person who can be a stay at home mom without outside contact.

His personality and mine just clash sometimes. I don’t really get how introverted he is. I was a pretty quiet kid myself and liked to stay inside and read all summer, but I had friends and I went outside and did stuff. He goes to Boy Scouts, but I don’t know if he has any actual close friends. I never hear him mention any names at least, except for Ben and Thomas, and he doesn’t seem to mind being a loner. That’s pretty foreign to my mind. I hate to compare them, but I relate much better to Seamus. He’s not exactly what I was at that age, but he’s much closer. He’s a likeable kid, and at some level, John is sort of an annoying kid.

And I feel guilty for thinking that about my son too. I don’t want him to be lonely or to feel isolated. But when I try to help him with the skills he’d need to get along with people, he just shrugs me off. I have a feeling that he’s that oblivious kid in every class, that isn’t liked very well, but doesn’t have to social sense to know it.

So how do I do it? How do I teach this kid to get along with other people? How do I teach him to get along with me? How do I get through to him that manipulating people pisses them off?

I just don’t know.