My fashion advisor Marci took me on a shopping trip today to help get me outfitted for my cruise coming up next month. I do almost all of my shopping online, and I tend to find a shirt or pants I like and buy multiples of the same thing. Consulting would be a must, if I were going to branch out into the wild and crazy world of, say, Capri pants.

And we got to take her zippy little convertible, which was fun all in itself.

On the way up, we were talking a mile a minute at each other, as we tend to do. She knew I’d been browsing the personal ads lately—sort of window shopping, as I know I’m nowhere near ready to start dating. It’s fun to look, but I confessed to her that even thinking about dating feels to me like cheating on a beloved husband. I know in my head that that’s crazy, since he left me and we weren’t married anyway, but I was certainly that attached to him. I won’t be able to date until long past the time it no longer feels like a betrayal of a relationship that I don’t have any more.

So we shopped and looked at all sorts of crazy stuff. I’m out of luck for the most part, because tank tops are hardly going to be appropriate for Spring in Alaska, but I found a couple of things and the aforementioned Capri pants. And in the second store, I found something else.

We walked up to the checkout line, and right in front of us was Aunt Judy. You remember, the woman I’ve loved as a mother-in-law for the last three years?

We gave each other big hugs and caught up a little. Lonnie’s still out cowboying, Chris is at a rodeo, and Cowboy had a high team run at a roping. Judy’s mother is going on a cruise to Alaska in late June too, and the odds are pretty good that it will be on my ship, so I promised to look out for her. I can take care of three old people, no problem.

But when it came time to say goodbye, I lost it. I was better off running into her than Cowboy, but I’m by no means prepared for either. I still love him and desperately miss both him and the life we’d built together. I think she could see that, and I hope she tells him. He needs to know, but it can’t be from me.

I’m still a wreck; I thought it would get easier with time, but it hasn’t so far. I miss him all the time and he’s never far from my thoughts. My body got worn out with crying all the time, but if I were to see him, it would all start again. I drove home from the trip still in a daze.

It’s been more than three months. I don’t know if I’ll ever completely lose him. I don’t want to yet.