I’m ba-ack.

I don’t exactly know where to start. The trip was exciting and relaxing and boring all at once. I don’t want to throw up a travelogue; I’ll do a little of that when I get my pictures developed.

It took me days to learn how to relax. I’m not very good at that anyway, but long rolling days at sea with all the books I wanted and lots to drink helped me get through it. By the last day, I was a puddle of mush sliding off the seat to the deck.

When we were in ports, I happily jumped back into my old routine of being everywhere on time. That was where being alone came in handy; I could slip through the lowing herds and do whatever I wanted to without interference. I got to shop where I wanted and stop at a crab feed without consulting anyone. I got to go on exciting trips, and I always got to sit in the good seat because other people had to make committee decisions and I didn’t.

I drank too much and I napped too much, and I ate far too much. I’m not a big dessert eater, but I made myself in the spirit of cruising.

I spent a lot of time talking or just sitting with my grandparents, but I was alone too much too. It’s really weird going on a spectacular vacation like that without someone to share the joy. I had a hard time with depression as a companion, who doesn’t care if you’re supposed to be on the trip of a lifetime but shows up uninvited anyway.

Coming home was even harder. As I raced to get the dog before the kennel closed, I had purpose, but once I walked around my empty house, everything came crashing down. I just want to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me, but I had to get out and go to work, and tonight I have to get the kids so I have to look lively whether I want to or not. It’s not fair that I should feel so down after what was supposed to be such a good trip. If I had time for any emotion at all, I would feel guilty, but instead I’m just a wooden stick figure, with joints that move the steering wheel and strings to make my mouth look like it’s smiling when I’m supposed to.

Nothing external can make this all better, and I don’t know that I have the strength of will to pull it up from the inside yet.

But I’m glad I went on the trip.