What a fun weekend.

Marv and Connie, my landlords and friends, have been bugging me to join them for a camping trip to the Pismo Dunes for ages. They got hooked up with a great group of people that go down there and go four wheeling, and got so into it that they bought a toy-hauler trailer and an ATV themselves, and are thinking about buying another bike.

They kept telling me how much fun it was, but for a long time, I was either doing something else with Cowboy or was feeling to depressed to get off my ass and go.

But a couple of weeks ago, they brought it up again, and I said what the hell. I figured it would be fun to run down there for a weekend even if I didn’t have a quad.

And I was right, it was a blast.

Marv was supposed to get there first, and his friends and I were all leaving at various times after him, so he would save us a big spot. I got on the road about a half an hour after they left, and picked up JJ. We were almost there when I got a call from them; they’d had two blowouts on the trailer and were way behind us, so we’d have to either find their friends or pick a spot and save it. I’d never met any of the other people, so I was a little nervous about going up to strangers, but it turned out that we were the first ones there anyway.

We let most of the air out of the truck tires because to get there, you have to drive on the beach for about four miles. The part by the water is fine because it’s pretty firm, but once you get up above the high tide line, the sand can get really soft and deep. But I found a good spot and pulled into it with no problems, and we set out a bunch of chairs to hold it for them (it’s a good thing I have so many chairs.)

We walked down to the beach after we got the trailer set up, and discovered that some knucklehead in a tent had set up camp right in the middle of the road that we came in on. Everyone else would have to go another way, one that looked much deeper.

A couple of hours later, here come Marv and Connie, and sure enough, they got stuck up to the axles in the deeper sand. Some nice strangers helped us try to pull them out, with two trucks all lined up in a train in front of Marv’s. Mine wasn’t very helpful at all, because even though it’s a nice strong truck, I have street-type tires on it, and couldn’t get a good grip. I tried though. At one point, we had my truck, a stranger’s truck, and Marv’s truck and trailer all buried up to the axles at the same time, and all tied together.

That obviously wasn’t working (good thing we had plenty of shovels) so we dug and dug and disconnected and rocked and pulled, and finally got all of us out except Marv. For him, we had to unload the ATV’s, dig him out, unhook his trailer, bust his truck out, and then try to rehook his trailer up from a slightly different angle.

Right when we got him out (after at least an hour and a half of working on it,) the first of his friends showed up. And promptly got stuck. He had seen us and tried to go down a different road, but it was just as bad. And the people camped there were a bunch of assholes laughing at us instead of helping like the nice group we’d found earlier. But by then we had two of our own trucks free and got to working on his in the dark.

The next two sets of friends included the “Monster,” which was a long bed one-ton that they bragged on being able to pull anyone out. And he had to pull out the next two indeed. We didn’t all get into camp until at least midnight, and poor JJ had to do a lot of shoveling. I wasn’t secure with pulling someone with my truck, so he was doing that too.

But anyway, once that ordeal was over and we were all there, it was great. These people are an older crowd, mostly married, and a ton of fun. They made us feel at home with them right away. In fact, there was passing around of Tequila, in which I learned that I don’t even care for the extra special kinds. I was a little nervous that they’d think I was a party-pooper or something, but once they figured out that it was just not my thing and that I was drinking the Irish, they thought I fit right in. That got passed around too, and I was a little amazed that some people feel the way about Whiskey as I do about Tequila. How can that be?

I think I dragged into bed somewhere around three that morning. JJ says there were ATVs running all night long keeping him awake, but I sure didn’t hear any!

•••••

 

The next day was great. We all cooked big breakfasts and tried to pawn off mountains of extra pancakes on each other (didn’t work, but the dogs did get some leftover eggs.) Then came the riding. Bryan (Marv’s son) and JJ took me out on the borrowed 250cc clutchless bike that Connie uses and tried to show me what to do. JJ should have just gone on ahead and had some fun, but he was worried that Bryan was trying to put me in situations that I wasn’t ready for.

He needn’t have worried. I mean, Bryan was trying to do that, but I am quite old enough and secure enough in my crankiness that I cannot be bullied into doing something that I do not want to do. And I did not want to go down those steep hills. I have a problem with heights anyway, and I wasn’t feeling like I had very good control of the bike yet in general, so I kept it to my comfort level. I probably would have been better off if both of the boys had left me to putter around and gone and done their thing. Except when I got it stuck. Not so much then.

The riding part really was fun, except for those hills. Marv said that the uphills are harder, but I didn’t find it so. The long bumpy parts and the gently sloped dunes were the best part for me. I had rubber legs and arms when I got off from holding on so tight!

Besides all of this riding fun, we had the usual camping fun too. There were chairs to nap in and a firepit, and snacks to eat and books to read. I got sunburnt on my arms and lips somehow. I look like I’ve spent a bunch of money on some fancy collagen treatment, my lips are so swollen. It’s just a sunburn, honest!

The funniest thing I think I’ve seen in ages was on Saturday night. We were all sitting around the campfire, and someone mentioned a kazoo for some reason. And I’ll be damned if Pat didn’t get up, go to her trailer, and come back with a whole handful of kazoos! Who carries kazoos with them? And more than one! And then plays “Name That Tune” with them for an hour? JJ was smoking that too, until they got into the old songs to stump him. I guess he doesn’t know his Beatles all that well. Kazoos. Awesome.

•••••

 

On Sunday morning, Marv and Connie took JJ and I out for another ride. One of the other guys lent me his ATV, no questions asked, which I thought was fantastically nice. And I learned that I really should have gone out with Connie in the first place. It wasn’t half as intimidating following her as the boys, and Marv and JJ could go on and do their thing while we were a little slower. Connie really surprised me when she got into that, as I didn’t think that she would have been the type, but she’s really picked up the hang of it and can run circles around me.

We got back in just in time to break camp—we all pretty much had to leave at the same time to pull each other out of the deep spots. The Monster left first so he could drop his trailer at the beach and come and get us if we needed help. But Murphy’s Law struck hard, and he got stuck. I should have got a picture of the pulling out of the Monster, because it was my truck pulling in front and Marv’s Ford between us. They said they probably didn’t need my truck, but I think they were just giving me shit because I had the only Dodge in a land of Fords and Chevys.

After unsticking him, we just started from camp with two trucks already tied together, and didn’t have any more problems. In fact, since the place had cleared out and there was a firmer path, I didn’t even get towed, but just put the pedal down and blew right through the hole, bouncing my trailer behind me. It helped that I had the shortest and lightest trailer and one of the beefier trucks, of course.

•••••

 

The only thing that marred the weekend were these asshole kids invited by Bryan’s girlfriend, who was a guest in her own right and had no business inviting people. They didn’t even bring any food, but just mooched off everyone else without asking, and were just generally complaining assholes to be around.

They brought two untrained young dogs, set up their tent right in the middle of camp, and then had the balls to complain to me when their loose dogs came over to my tied up and behaving dog, and he started to hump them. Well, of course he did. That’s what dogs do! After the third or fourth time, I suggested that they tie their dogs up, and of course, these spoiled shits didn’t like that, so the one barked the whole time. And then they’d turn him loose again and he’d go harass Angus again, and it would all start over. I was really hoping Angus would just bite him, but I haven’t been able to train him to do that on command. All of the other dogs there were great; got along with Angus (who I mostly kept tied up because he’s an attention hog) and didn’t bark or do anything else annoying. In fact, everyone was quite impressed with how well Angus is trained.

The stupid kid with the damn dogs was too, but compared to his dogs, one that knows “sit” would be a freakin’ genius. I don’t see the point of hollering at a dog for not coming to you when you’ve never bothered to teach it what “come” means.

Morons.

I figured out after we got home that they’d been stealing my beer too. I think they took a twelve-pack’s worth right out of my cooler, sometimes when I was just around the other side of the trailer. Good thing I locked the truck and trailer every time I left.

Marv made it clear to Bryan that they are definitely not invited back. Not that they were technically invited this time.

It was embarrassing though, especially since I was new to the group too. I didn’t want to be lumped into the “asshole new people” category with them. Marv says that I wasn’t, and both JJ and I were invited back and to bring our boys several times by different people. It’s fun to find a group that you click so well with.

JJ and I both thought that these people are a lot like the roping crowd: friendly and open and willing to help out newcomers and generous to a fault until you give them a reason not to be. It’s just a little bit of a louder sport.

I’m not sure that I’m hooked just yet; an ATV’s awfully expensive. But next time, maybe Big Jeff will be able to go and bring his, or maybe we could borrow them. I’m a lot more comfortable borrowing one from him than prevailing on the kindness of relative strangers. But still, you don’t have to feed one or shoe it, so maybe there’s one in my future.

I will at least get me a tow strap; I can see the way that wind’s blowing, and I should have one.

Look at me, I’ve typed my fingers off. Must have been a fun weekend!

•••••

 

So, I’m at the kids’ back to school night, right? And I get to Seamus’s class and sit down while he goes up to his desk. And the woman sitting right by me says, “Hi Seamus, did your mom just dump you off?”

And I damn near blew my top. I said, “That would be me” and gave her kind of the evil eye. I was sitting right there! See, some friends of the asshole have their kid in Seamus’s class. Seems someone’s been talking trash about me when I’m not around. Somehow, I suspect her more than him.

The woman totally stumbled all over herself when I said that and her husband tried to play all nice, “Oh, nice to meet you” and all that bullshit. But I was not impressed. She totally knew that she put her foot in it. And they looked like people I would otherwise like.

Who do asshole and his wife think they are to talk trash about me like that? I’ve NEVER dumped my children off anywhere. If they see them at their dad’s without me, it’s because HE requested it for boy scouts and I conceded because the boys wanted to do it. These people probably have no idea what their friends did to me, and they think I’m the asshole? Hey, I was the one who was abused here, and if it looks like I left, well, I did for very good reasons.

I’m fuming. They ruined my whole evening. Not so much the stupid people, as the assholes who put those impressions in the stupid people’s heads.

•••••

Enough with the mystery.

Here’s my profile, for your snickering pleasure.

If you’re here, you’ve probably read more personal stuff than this, but this time I’m actively asking for comments. What do you think? Where could I improve this?

Why am I bothering, when I don’t really care to start dating anyone anyway? I’m not sure, but once I decided to do it, I want to have given it my best effort. I like to do things right, dammit!

So please, tell me what you think.

•••••

I was grousing to Marci about this and thought, “Why limit myself when I can grouse to the whole world?”

I’m becoming rather disheartened with the whole online dating thing. I signed up (and even paid) about a month ago. I really worked on making a profile that was both accurate and flattering. Feedback from my friends said that I did a pretty good job of portraying who I am in a positive light.

So once that hurdle was done, I emailed a couple of men. One was a friend that I hadn’t been able to get a hold of in other ways, one was a smartass response to a friend that I talk to every day, and one was out on a limb to a stranger.

Nothing. My daily friend didn’t get the email, so I tried again with the other two, feeling like a complete fool. I included my regular email address in the old friend’s letter.

Still nothing. It seems that the old friend (who was one of Cowboy’s friends, but we always liked each other) either didn’t get either message or does not want contact with me. Okay, I could see that being awkward for him since he still ropes with Cowboy. But the other guy? No, he went and looked at my profile (you can see who’s done that) and still nothing. Not even a “no, thank you.”

And I was browsing through keywords ones day looking at cowboys because that’s what I like, and I emailed a couple of guys that were way out of my league and geographically too far away anyway. Both of those were just “hey, good job on the profile” sorts of messages with no response expected. And they both looked at me too, but didn’t answer. No big deal there.

I emailed another local guy that looked interesting last night, and he looked back at me, but still nothing. What is it with these people? Am I so hideous that I don’t even deserve a response? Last time I went through this, I at least got emails from men. I talked to some and even went out with a couple, and the ones that weren’t even close to right, I sent a courtesy letter back. There’s even a button right on the site to click if you don’t want to talk to that person; it’s not like they have to compose some sort of let down message.

I wonder what the difference is, but I suspect I already know. It’s the weight. Last time, I was about thirty pounds lighter and fit in the “average” class. This time, I checked “a few extra pounds” because that’s what I am. My pictures don’t make me look obese, but yeah, I’m carrying more than I like. I’m not huge. Nothing else about me has changed significantly.

So I’m thinking that in the world of the shallow dating man, one characteristic flicks the switch from “ooh, yeah” to “no way.” I find it ironic that it’s not even the fit and athletic men that are ignoring me, but the ones that are heavy themselves. Look in the mirror much boys?