Setbacks and drawbacks
June 20th, 2007 by 
cowgirljules
While I was at the baseball game last night, Marv was taking apart my trailer wheels to pack the bearings. One was wobbly, and they were all pretty dry, so he greased them back up. But in the process, he noticed that the brakes were toast, so I’m going to have to redo those too. Brake pads for trailers are just different enough from cars that the replacement parts aren’t easy to find, and are expensive when you do. This will probably bump me up over my budget. I’m not going to be able to pay for the registration and unsalvaging the title this month; it’s going to have to wait until July.
I don’t think this trailer restoration is a very good metaphor for life. After all, eventually the trailer’s going to get done, but my project of not being alone forever? That’s looking kind of bleak right now. I’ve had a long year already, and the longer I go without affection, the more unattractive and undesireable I feel. Which doesn’t exactly make me an ideal partner, and thus furthers the cycle.
I’ve just had a feeling lately that I will probably be one of those women who does spend the rest of their lives alone, and that I’d better just get down to getting used to the idea. I know plenty; I won’t be the only one, but somehow, I never quite thought that I’d join their ranks permanently. I’m sure they didn’t think that either.
I’ve already got some of the patterns; most of these women that I know are deeply involved in their hobbies and friends, and are otherwise quite fulfilled, except for the being alone part. You have to do something to keep your mind active, and if your heart atrophies from disuse, you might as well throw yourself into interesting things. I do that; I’ve got the hunting and the dogs and the photography and all sorts of other things. I have a good group of friends. I spend time with my kids.
What I don’t have is someone to share all of that with, and having had it once, I can see that everything I love to do is sort of hollow and echoey by myself. I like these things because the alternative is to scream inside my head, but I’d like them better with someone else to play too.
Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Please forgive me if I stick to the superficial in the next few weeks; sometimes, it’s all I’ve got.
Posted in Life |
June 20th, 2007 at 7:07 am
Just some *hugs*, Jules. I’m sorry.
June 20th, 2007 at 7:20 am
Much love and many wishes for you Jules… so sorry that you are at that place. You know that I have been there and I didn’t like it one little bit either. There isn’t much anyone can say to truly make you feel better so just know that we love you. I love you, and it will all come out in the wash my friend.
June 20th, 2007 at 8:49 am
Just echoing what the others have said. I’m sorry that you are feeing this way and going through this.
June 20th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Don’t I know exactly what you’re talking about. Feeling much the same these days, and trying to stay busy so I don’t have to think about it
June 20th, 2007 at 10:35 am
*big hugs* I’m sorry my friend. You are an AMAZING woman. Don’t sell yourself short nor resign yourself to ANYTHING you aren’t happy about. Happiness will find you the minute you stop looking for it. Happened to me. Much love!!
June 20th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
This really resonates with me, too, Jules– my hobbies are fun and enriching, I have some good friendships, I get to travel, I don’t have to worry about anyone else, I don’t have anyone making demands on me … but sometimes when I’m out on a long ride, I think — it would be nice to be sharing this trail with someone.
June 20th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
I like your description of the feeling as “hollow and echoey.” I definitely felt that way for many of my single years (a long period of time, given that I just got married for the first time at age 31.) Try not to take the romantic drought personally. It is not a reflection of your attractiveness or of your worth. This is just where you are in life right now. It does not mean you will always be here. Maybe try doing something you have not done before that is social or a new on line dating site. I met two of my long time male friends that way and eventually my husband, but it took time, perseverance and some humorously bad dates. Then you can tell us all about it.
June 21st, 2007 at 9:49 am
Gosh! I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling “down in the dumps” Jules. I think most of us have been there at some time in our lives. I know I have. I agree with “Full of it”. Most of the time love comes to you in the most unexpected places or times. Hang in there my friend, things will be better tomorrow. You are a fine person, beautiful, talented, and have a million things to offer. Don’t give up the ship. We love you little meeces to peeces. nanamama