LL wrote this morning about not being cool, and man, did that hit a nerve with me.

Dennis asked me to come to the Cotton Festival last night and photograph his girlfriend singing. She and her partner are doing quite well with their singing career, and I like to go listen to them, but I like to have a job to do even more. So I went down, hoping Cowboy would be there too (he wasn’t) and brought my camera with me.

It got too dark to take decent pictures pretty soon, which I was afraid of. I don’t have any fancy flash equipment, although I’d like to get some, but it wouldn’t reach out and touch someone as far as a zoom lens does anyway.

While I was getting to stay busy and have a job, I felt decent. I went and got myself a nice big burrito, took some photos while I could, and chatted up the few people I still know there. But my only real friend was busy being a roadie, and since he grew up in that town, he knows absolutely everyone and was talking to them all. I can only follow him around so long before I start to feel like I’m looking really pathetic.

So I end up sort of standing by myself, feeeling extremely awkward. I’m generally OK with going places by myself, but it turns out that I’m really only that brave when I have something to do with my hands. Take away my job, and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I am by no meas cool enough to go show up as a complete stranger and make fifteen friends before last call. I know people like that, and I know that I’m not one of them. Put me in such an uncomfortable position, take away my crutches, and I’m right back to being the gawky shy teenager that I once was, even if I’ve mostly grown out of the shy and the gawk. I’m still quiet, and I’m still not one for walking up to strangers, especially if they’re surrounded by their own friends. I just can’t do it.

So, since I didn’t want Dennis to feel like he had to babysit me all night, I just left. I considered going down to the bar since it was still early, but I’d already talked myself out of being any fun, so home it was. I didn’t feel that I could fake being cool even in my own environment, so it was best not to inflict my mood on other people.

And I dropped $20 out of my pocket on the way out to the parking lot too, and almost lost my license. Damn, and that happened the last time I went to see them sing - I’m going to have to start carrying my purse to these things, or else remember not to wear those pants. Those are definitely unlucky pants. And I am just not cool.