We went to camp expecting to find our usual fun. I’m extremely lucky in that his idea of “usual fun” matches mine just about perfectly, and will expand on mine where it doesn’t match. We thought we’d get in some hunting with the boys, maybe cook up that mess of fish he brought, and be social and relax with people that we really like.

 

The bears had other ideas though, and had just about all called it a night and wandered off to bed to sleep it off for the winter. We sat tight while Don and Todd hunted all Saturday morning, and when nobody got so much as a nibble, they were ready to head home. It’s been a very good year for hunting, with lots of people getting a whole lot of enjoyment out of those dogs, but even the most fun can wear you out after three or four months. 

Junior did fix up that fish before everyone left, and the other guys in camp had brought some steaks, so we had a real nice potluck lunch before camp completely cleaned out. I didn’t want to leave; I only get to be up there every other weekend, so I may not be as burned out as they were, and I just wasn’t ready for it to be over. I didn’t specifically say I was staying, but I’ve done that before on my own, so it must not have surprised anyone when I stayed with my boyfriend there too. No one even said a word.

We kicked up the campfire and shut off the generator and and just sat and enjoyed each other’s company for a long time, talking or not, and playing human rotisseries to keep our backsides warm by the fire. I enjoy that man’s company so much; getting to have him to myself for a while, up there in my favorite place, was a gift.

We took a drive the next morning, just to be together and to share some of our favorite places with each other. I like to get down to the trestle every year and I hadn’t been yet, so he took me. We sat in the sun and soaked up the warmth and took some photos.

 

Things that would normally have stressed me out alone, like the good front tire deciding not to believe in air any more, or the grey tank freezing and breaking pipes, or especially the trailer brake controller trying to catch fire in the cab of the truck, and shorting out the running lights in the process, just don’t get to me when he’s around. We’ll just stop and take care of it, and I don’t have to deal with something weird alone. I don’t want to lay that responsibility on him, especially in my rig (even though he’s very good at that sort of thing and seems to take it) but just knowing I have backup right there makes me deal with things better. 

 

All these years, when I’ve been hitting the backroads by myself in the winter for a little sanity, and I never knew that getting out like that and just looking and thinking is ten times better with someone who cares about you. I am so fortunate to have found someone to share all of this with; someone who gets why it’s special without me having to explain, because it is to him too. I don’t think that I could have picked a better man for me if I’d put him together out of a man-catalog, and the more I get to know him, the stronger that feeling is. 

 

Our joys are compatible; he’s got some passions for things that I’ve never experienced, but I understand the concept of passions really well in the abstract, and these sound like things that I could get into as well, or at least support him in. I do some things that he’s not really into, like the photography (although I can see that the camera is going to be in both of our hands a lot in the future) and this page. He knows about this page, by the way, although I was really nervous about telling him. He thinks it’s cool. 

 

Our flaws seem compatible too. There’s no such thing as a person without flaws; the trick is in finding someone with whose faults you can live, and who can live with yours. I haven’t seen anything in him to make me run screaming into the night, and I hope he hasn’t in me either. He’s so far into the positive on my balance sheet that it’s not even funny. 

I never knew that I had it in me again. For years, I thought that I was just broken, that I was too scarred and that I’d never be able to love, and why would I want to inflict that dysfunction on an innocent bystander, especially one I liked enough to consider loving? I was resigning myself to being alone for the rest of my life. I must have healed something significant while I wasn’t looking though, because here I go, and without doubting myself. I know that I have it in me, for this man.

I really feel that I’m falling into the rest of my life here, and I both want to savor the feeling and to charge ahead and get on with it. Rushing hasn’t worked for me very well in the past, so savor it is, but there are some rates that I just don’t have any control over. Like falling for him; I couldn’t regulate that if I tried. I’m already there.