It’s different, dating someone with a clear eye toward spending the rest of your life with them. Some people just don’t do anything other than that; not wasting time with someone that they know is incompatible in the long run. I’ve done that. I’ve dated people that I knew were moving, or that I knew just weren’t right for a long-term partner for one reason or another.

It’s fun, but superficial. You don’t have to worry that your habits match up, because really, you’re not spending all that much time with them, and everyone’s generally on their best behavior anyway. If he’s a night owl and you’re a morning person, it doesn’t really become an issue if you’re only interacting once a week, or less. You don’t get your heart all worked up in these types of things either. I always took them for what they were, no more, and just lived in the moment. I liked them, don’t get me wrong, or I wouldn’t have been dating them in the first place, but I didn’t love those ones. I couldn’t have seen spending the rest of my life with any of them, but that didn’t deter me from seeing them anyway.

This, though; this is different. This is the third time in my life where there’s been the potential for a life-long partner, and I’m (and we’re) approaching it with much more thought and deliberation than I ever have before. Things that wouldn’t even be a topic of conversation in a shallow relationship are now something to be talked about, to see how we fit and if we don’t, what we can do about it.

We’re talking so much that we’re working on a head start on compromises, seeing where they’re going to be needed. How do we feel about raising families, and being an adult child of various types of families, for instance. What do we each see in our futures. Philosophies on doing the dishes immediately after dinner, and of course, the whole toilet seat issue.

One of the hazards of starting a relationship at my age and general crabbitude is that I was a little concerned that I might be too set in my ways, that I just wouldn’t have any give left in me at all. I’ve been on my own and in charge of my household for a long time now, and I have  clearly-defined ways of thinking, of doing, of being. Where once upon a time I was more of the type to just cave to what the man wanted regardless of my own inclination, I’m much less likely to do that now.

Fortunately, I’ve found a depth in myself that I didn’t know I had. I’m feeling able to let go of the small stuff without any resentment, and am able to consider alternatives to the big stuff without knee-jerk stubborn reactions. It helps to have a man who does also want to make things work, and is willing to give on his side as well, and who gives my thoughts equal weight with his own. I can’t run right over his positions, and I don’t want to, but trying to dominate might be a little too automatic for me. I trust that he has the patience to see that it is just automatic if I do that, and to give me time to think about something no matter what quick response came out of my mouth. I have change in me, and that surprises me.

It also helps that there isn’t a whole ton of changing to do, but there are definitely a few areas where we don’t line up perfectly. That’s just fine with me though; who’d want a carbon-copy of themselves? That wouldn’t be interesting at all.

So here we are, dating but not frivolously. This is the audition, and the probation period, and the honeymoon phase. We both really want to make this relationship work, and not just for a year or two. We’re looking at the rest of our lives here, and trying to set us up a solid foundation. You know the kind; you can see the chimney and the porch stones of the house long after the wood and the bricks are long gone, after the people who lived there have been in the ground for a hundred years and the highway’s gone right through the front yard. I want that kind of base. You can’t build forever on wedged-in two by fours and expect the house to stand through an earthquake. So, one stone at a time, we’re building.