I went down and got poked with a giant needle today, just for fun. Watching the ultrasound part was interesting, but when it came to showing GIANT NEEDLES in my FLESH, well, I did have to look away. I was all numbed up, but the whole concept was just ooky.

Eight times, I got stabbed. No, wait, nine. Five times in the suspicious one, one failed needle aspiration in the new one, and then three more pokes in that one. Yeah, I’ll be sporting some Technicolor tan lines for a while.

And why is it that people who mean well seem to be commanding me not to feel emotions about this? I can accept an occasional, “You?ll be fine” as the reassurance that it’s meant, but my landlord just popped his head in to say that. When I responded that I knew in my head that I probably would be but I was still scared about it, he came back with an angry, “Well, don’t be scared!”

The hell? Sure, I might as well stop breathing. Of course I’m going to be scared about this, and I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with that. I’ve shut down emotions about it as much as I can, to the point where other emotions may have been casualties as well. It’s getting to where I don’t dare admit around here that I’m upset about it because it just upsets other people. I shudder to think of the fallout I’d have to deal with if I actually do have something. I can’t just tough it out all the time; I am human, after all.

It’s going to be a very nerve wracking few days, especially if I’m not allowed to talk about it. Stupid people.

See, this is what retail therapy, a credit card, and the internet get you:

Don’t they look pretty?

Sure, the truck needs a washing, but I don’t really care. It’s still mud season anyway.

Actually, I don’t really care about a whole lot of things lately. I’m awash in apathy.

Cowboy didn’t call (and I also found out that he didn’t actually go fishing - which makes that the first time he’s ever lied to me) and do I care? No, not really.

Eric also doesn’t call - that one doesn’t seem to get the whole ‘making an effort’ deal. Do I care? No. Not enough to either call him or confront him on his behavior. Whatever, dude.

I don’t get tested until next week? Not worrying about it, which is actually sort of a relief.

The kids are off for vacation and one is still grounded. I think that particular punishment was a little harsh for the crime anyway, so I have no plans to enforce if this weekend.

I’m not a complete blob; at least I’m getting my work done, but the dishes are piled up in the sink and the floor needs vacuuming and I do not care. I’d spend the weekend curled up on the couch reading if I had a decent book, but I don’t. Am I going to go down to the bookstore though? No, probably not. I’ll just watch Tivoed episodes of Good Eats and old DVDs and be lazy.

I just do not give a damn.

The doc seems to still think that it’s nothing, but oh, hey, the MRI shows something on the other side as well. That’s not nothing; that’s a vague something.

I told him to prove it, so I’m still going in for a biopsy, only instead of just getting one side poked with a giant needle, I may get both, depending on what the ultrasound of the other side shows. I’m getting very anxious about the whole thing and I would like to just get it over with.

A little retail therapy seemed in order, so I succumbed to the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog and bought some fancy bras and new tires. Well, I think that’s where I got the tires. There was a lot of clicking going on at that point. I may also have adopted a foreign baby; we’ll have to see what I get in the mail in the next few weeks. Internet shopping is dangerous, man.

I also took myself to the rodeo on Sunday, the first one since Cowboy left. I should have waited until I had someone to go with, because it was just melancholy watching by myself. It just reminded me of how much I miss that whole life. I want to be able to go behind the chutes and hang out in the early morning and watch the slack. I want to watch it with someone who knows what’s going on, so we can both wince at a bad throw at the same time. I’d really like to cheer for step-son and his friends, and be part of the after-rodeo beer review.

Why didn’t I go with Eric, you ask? I sort of wonder the same thing. Apparently he doesn’t like crowds. Enough to refuse to go to something that I am really into. Yeah, not so much with the impressed there. I may continue to see him now and then, but he’s turning out to be someone that I just don’t see dating long-term.

Seamus had his second game last Saturday, so I played photographer. I brought out the big guns and took pictures of all of the kids at bat to give to their parents (who were most appreciative when I passed them around last night.)

My folks came down to watch too, and it was a really good game. Sure, they lost, but they had a fabulous time doing it.

My little jock.  

He’s so much better than last year that it’s really much more fun for him. It started raining during the game last night; we were ahead, so half of the parents didn’t want to call it until at least the fourth inning, where it would count as a game and not have to be replayed. The kids were all troopers even if the other half of the parents were whining about being wet. And I was not impressed with the guy who pulled his kid because he wasn’t getting to play enough—there are more kids than positions, and that particular kid complains no matter what position he’s in. Whatever dude. Way to encourage your boy.

I finally got that half-roll from February’s sanity trip finished and developed and now I’m jonesing for another one. I should just buy a season pass to Yosemite this year.

 

Angus and I started out in Anderson taking a walk. With mud and snow on the ground, it was a good time to look for tracks. I think this was a small bear, but I forgot to put something down in the photo for reference. Could have been a cat, looking at it, but I don’t think I would have continued the hike if I had thought that then. 
edited to add: while changing photo hosts nearly two years later, that is so obviously a cat.

 

This one was clearly a buck. Good to know there are still some up there, and right where I like to hunt, too.

 

Angus’ first time in snow. There was a lot of leaping and running.

 Looking back over the valley from the road up to Five Corners.
Then it was on to Yosemite. These pictures speak very well for themselves.

 

Winter is the prettiest time up there.

Yes, I called Cowboy. He laughed, and when I told him not to laugh at me, he said he was laughing at our timing. He was leaving for a fishing trip in Mexico. But he said he’d call me when he got back.

And all week, I was fairly peaceful about not having to make a decision, since Eric seemed to be making one for me. He wasn’t being inattentive enough (quite) for me to walk away without Cowboy in the equation, but I was feeling relieved that I wasn’t walking into a conflict.

But we’re seeing each other tonight, so I guess we’re back on.

Before that phone call, I would have been happy to pursue this relationship, but as much as I’d like to take it solely on its own merits, I can’t. I don’t see how I can fall for one man if another one still holds my heart.

Every time I think I’m over him enough to get on with it, something pops up to prove me wrong. I don’t know what he wanted with his dinner offer, but I have to go see to put my mind to rest. If he didn’t want anything important, then I can freely move on with Eric. If he does want to give it another shot, I absolutely will do that. It wouldn’t be fair to Eric, no, but neither would continuing to see him out of some sense of obligation. We haven’t been seeing each other anywhere near long enough for that kind of commitment.

I kind of look at this date with Cowboy as Schröedinger’s Box. My heart is both in it and not, and I will only know once I observe it. I can either close the door on him or open it back up. Both possibilities exist equally right now, and only by observing do I make one or the other reality. So clearly, I have to go see him.

•••••

Oh, and I forgot to mention: I get the results of the MRI on Monday. I shall insist that they take a biospy, because I don’t entirely trust purely diagnostic tools. At least all of this turmoil has successfully kept me from worrying about that too much!

•••••

Ring?

Well, Hello stranger!

Hi there. I was just driving by your exit and thinking of you and thought I’d give you a call? What are you up to?

Not much. It’s so good to hear from you, how’ve you been?

Not working a lot with the weather, but getting a lot done around the house. The arena’s finished.

Do you have the horses moved in yet?

No, we’re putting up a barn first. I was just up getting some tin for the shop; I don’t come this way very often any more.

Yeah, I don’t get down your way much either. Which reminds me, I need to stop by and get my turkey fryer one of these days, it’s out in the back of the shed. Oh, and I have the papers for the trailer ready for you, so if you get something from me in the mail, it’s that.

How’s the roping going?

Not so good, with the weather. Chris is down in Sanger getting soaked.

Did you rope at La Grange?

No, but Chris did. He didn’t do any good though; it was real sloppy and his header missed an easy shot. But he won the calf roping in Riverdale the day before.

Good for him! How’s his partner, the one who busted his knee?

Doing OK, but the doctors say not to jump out of any more burning twelve foot high farm implements any time soon.

…more inconsequential conversation…

Are you lonely?

Yeah. There are always people around, but yes, I am.

Well, that’s your own fault, you know (said with a smile.)

I know.

Say, I was wondering if you?d like to have dinner with me one of these days?

…stunned silence…

Um, I’d love to, but I’m seeing someone. That would be a bad idea. Your timing sucks!

I know it does.

I’ll call you when that falls through. I’d love to otherwise. Man, it’s good to hear from you!

OK, well, I’m at the parts house. I’ll talk to you later?

OK, ‘bye.

So yeah, my first instinct was to keep the bird in hand over the love of my life, and I’m majorly second-guessing myself now. But the current flame has been acting like he’s not ready for a relationship just now anyway. And it was only dinner, not a promise to start us up again.

But this man wouldn’t ask if he didn’t mean it. He’s not like that. I cannot be his platonic friend, and he knows me well enough to know that. Have I blown an opportunity to follow my heart right to where it wants to go? Will letting him think about it for a few days sweeten the pot or was this his last-ditch effort before he goes out and tries to find love for himself, without me?

And if Eric does pull his head out of wherever it is, how can I go into this one with an open heart, suspecting that the one I’ll always love may have changed his mind?

Ooh, this is not fair. This is not the time, not now, not when I’ve finally found someone that I think I could be happy with. You couldn’t have called me three weeks ago? Or waited until it wasn’t an agonizing decision for me?

One thing I will not do, even though we have no statement of commitment to each other, is just blow off Eric and go have dinner with Cowboy. Sure, it could be nothing, but that’s not what it would be to me, and it’s not right to do to someone that I care for.

I need to do some serious thinking about this. I know what I want, but is he offering that? Do I risk walking away from one that could love me someday maybe for the one that broke my heart?

Wow, that does sound stupid when I write it out, but I do still love him and I do have that little tendency to follow my heart, even when it’s wrong.

If I do this, I give all of my friends blanket permission to say, “We told you so,” and have no sympathy whatsoever if he does it to me again. I’d like to think that I won’t go back into it if there’s any doubt that he could do it again, but I know myself and I’ll dive right back in heart-first.

But I’ll think about it a few days first. Things may resolve by themselves.

All sorted out. He’s got a big load of crap on him right now too, but he sincerely apologized for not being there for me, and asked about my stuff before he even got into his.

I’m inclined to give this man a break.

I do like him, but it’s more than that. I don’t really want to turn into such a hard ass that there’s no give to me. I needed to be that last year (and wasn’t) but I don’t need or want to be it this year. I’d rather be the kind of person who takes a chance or two. The risks are higher, sure, but the potential rewards are so much greater that it makes them worth it. So letting something like this slide reflects more on the kind of person that I’d like myself to be than the kind of person he is, although I wouldn’t make the effort if he weren’t my kind of man.

I did need to pull back up on my own reins a little though, and this has certainly done that. But we’re still interested in each other, and will keep moving onward.

OK, I don’t know what the hell’s going on, but I’m starting to feel like a big ol’ shot of déja vu left over from this fall, when Sarge and I were going like gangbusters, even if via the phone and long-distance, and he just stopped calling.

Because as of Wednesday night, things were good. I was about to go have a biopsy done, which I was really quite worried about, and he was going to spend the night up at his folks to hand that galumphing dog back over the next day. He knew I was scared and said he’d call.

He didn’t.

And still hasn’t.

What the hell?

I’m not so obsessive that I demand a man call me every single day or I freak out, but is this how one treats a fledgling girlfriend about to go through something scary? He sure isn’t making me feel very cared for. He doesn’t even know that the biopsy was postponed and I had an MRI done instead.

And call me stupid, because I’m certainly learning not to expect support, but I really could have used a phone call. I didn’t need him to go with me and hold my hand, but a “hey, how are you doing?” would have been real nice. I did leave him a voice mail on Friday night, but there’s been no response at all.

Sure, he’s got a reason. They always do. But it boils down to him not being willing to put me at even a little priority in his life, and what do I want with that? I’ll give him some slack if he does eventually call, because he hasn’t been in a relationship for quite a long time and may have forgotten how, but my slack is getting shorter and shorter these days. And maybe he just never was very good at being a boyfriend.

I’m terribly disappointed, because I really was starting to like him. Maybe I showed that too much (although I don’t think I did) and scared him off, but even if that was the case, his timing there was truly bad.

You don’t tell a woman that you’ll be there for her through something frightening like this and then walk off without a word. You don’t make a big thing of your own honesty and then do this. If you want to be honest, you tell me that it’s too much for you or that you’re not into it. I’m a grown woman; I can handle the truth. It’s the complete absence of information that hurts and baffles.

I could use some good vibes today.

I go in this afternoon for that needle biopsy of the lump. I’m not thrilled about the concept of being stuck in the tit with a giant needle, but that’s just pain, and I can deal with pain. No, I’m afraid of the results.

Rationally, I know that it’s probably nothing.

Emotionally, however, even though I’ve tried to squash it and talk myself out of it, I’m still afraid. I’m scared because my mom had cancer at a relatively young age (although what, 20 years older than I am now? Mom?) that also didn’t show up on the X-rays. I’m scared because one of my friends had it in both sides at exactly my age, and I had to watch her go through it twice.

I’m afraid of ghosts at this point, but the potential is still there, and that’s what’s worrying me. I spent a long night last night thinking about trying to treat cancer with hardly any leave built up on my job. I worried about not being able to care for the kids. I worried about not being able to keep up with my business. Is this a good time to change jobs, or would I become uninsurable mid-treatment?

I’m driving myself in today because it is just a quick procedure after all, but it occurred to me that if I do need a ride home, every single one of my friends happen to be out of town today. My parents and my new boyfriend and my business partner are all up the hill; Marci’s across the other hills, JJ is building a house somewhere down south, my landlord’s run off to Georgia, and Dennis is working with Cowboy who knows where. Who would I call? A taxi?

I’m a little ticked at myself for being so emotional about it too. Dealing with physical things stoically is sort of what I do, but if I can’t have a private freak out in my own journal, where can I? I know intellectually that it will be fine; that I’ll just drive myself back on in to work and finish the day, but the fear’s still there. And it will eat at me until I get the test results back; this is going to be a long weekend.

Maybe I’ll ignore John’s grounding long enough to take the kids to the movies and take my mind off of it. Maybe I’ll start my garden. At least we have a baseball game on Saturday and a job that I have to drag the kids to — if I keep my mental idle time at a minimum, I’ll be better off.

Oh, speaking of baseball, Seamus finally had his first game last night — the previous two were rained out. And he got a hit on his very first pitch of the season! And on the second time at-bat too! Sure, he was tagged out both times, but that’s a huge improvement for a kid that got maybe four hits last year. He’s number three in the line-up this year! Although I’m not sure why they have him stuck out in right field, but the little girl on second base choked, so maybe he’ll play that position next time.

They lost, but not by much, and they were playing his old (undefeated) team from last season. This is the first real game that he’s lost, and I was happy to see that it’s every bit as fun as winning.

Yay, baseball!

Edited to add: crap, now they’ve cancelled the biopsy and want to run an MRI first. Tomorrow. So I have more time to stress about things, goody. Let’s just get this over with!